A Time to Weep

Just over a week ago I sat alone in my obstetrician's office and was told that the baby my husband and I were expecting, our fourth child, no longer had a heartbeat.

I was in for a quick follow-up ultrasound to help narrow down the due date of our precious child since the measurements taken two weeks prior and my dates weren't quite lining up perfectly. I watched to ultrasound in quiet awe, only subconsciously realizing what I was, or wasn't seeing. I remember seeing a fantastic full body profile of the baby, I only realized later, he wasn't moving. I watched as the ultrasound tech tried to find the heartbeat and knew it wasn't right but I didn't allow myself think anything was wrong.

I drove straight to Matt's office, and he knew the second I walked in the door. We spent the night trying to let the news sink in, to come to some understanding. It became more real the next day when I miscarried.

It has been the most intensely painful and personal loss. I will never ever be the same. It is unbelievably difficult for me to talk about the depth of my sorrow. Many times it feels like it cloaks everything I think and do and say. So I've been writing it all down, letting it out through the keyboard.

And lest you think that I'm drowning in despair and depression. I'm not. I'm certainly grieving, but I'm not there. God has sustained me, my husband has been an amazing rock, many wonderful friends have reached out with words of comfort, understanding, hope, and hugs, and my family has shown me great support. I've had opportunity to share with my children the saving work of Jesus.

It is still going to be a long and difficult journey through this grief which has compounded with our loss of Matt's mom. I know that there are more challenging days ahead. Lamentations 3:21-24 says, "Yet this I call to mind and therefore have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'" I know this to be true because I'm living it.