I've felt frustrated, alone, abandoned, isolated, and angry. I've spent a great deal of time crying, praying, and yelling. You would think we were dealing with something more serious than an extended case of strep throat and tummy troubles with the way I've been carrying on.
I've been yelling at God, crazy I know, but it was better than yelling at my kids for being sick - I know, I did that too. That was an ugly, ugly day. I felt like God wasn't listening to me, no one was, for that matter. Every time I talked to the nurse at the pediatrician's office I hung up feeling like they didn't understand. Don't get me wrong, they were very kind and patient, but unconcerned by the things I was concerned about. I'm not a doctor, I don't have any medical training, I'm a mom. A mom whose kids were miserable and there was nothing I could do to help them except to pray for them, which I had been doing for five weeks now and there had been no miraculous healing.
So being the mature adult that I am, I began my temper tantrum before God.
"God why don't you hear me, why won't you listen to me?" "Nobody cares God, not even you." "Why us, why my kids, won't this ever end?"
Certainly not a strong witness to my faith. One of my favorite attributes of God has always been His faithfulness. 2 Timothy 2:13 says, "if we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself." Instead of punishment for for my tantrum, I have received love. When I felt the most alone, He sent friends to serve me, to encourage me, to support me, and to help me regain perspective. Undeserved love, undeserved grace.
We are still waiting for complete healing and at this point it is reasonable to believe that we may have a bit of an uphill battle yet. Hopefully I can work on trusting God with my babies, and let go of the future worries to enjoy today - in sickness or in health. I'm praying that God would grant me peace in the midst of frustration.
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